What's up guys? hows it goin?
Recently, I have been thinking a lot about body image and self esteem, especially when it came to thoughts about my body. I am hoping that with my story it can help you recognize your thoughts about your body and to motivate yourself to take a journey towards self acceptance.
Let me start off with a disclaimer that I am not perfect and I am always working to get over these issues on a daily basis.
About myself and my Journey
Currently, I work at a gym, I train clients, and I exercise over 10 hours a week at the gym and cheerleading.
I call this my journey because I am still learning to accept my body for what it is. Like some people I have good days where I am proud of myself and my body. However, some days I step backwards and hate what I see.
As a person who is in the weightlifting world, I am constantly faced with girls who have amazing physiques. At first I when I first started working out on a regular basis. I was wondering why couldn't my body be like that? I would look amazing! Why couldn't I have been born as a skinny girl? It would be so much easier for me to have an amazing body and my muscles would show a lot better than it being covered in fat!
With that in my mind, it turned my goal into only wanting to have a body like Nikki Blackketter so I could look good. These reasons were not for me or my health it was just so I could look beautiful. At first I denied it but looking back on it, it truly was my ultimate goal. Months began to pass and I was always frustrated with myself. I was not loosing fat fast, my stomach wasn't slim and I most defiantly was not looking like the girls on instagram. It began to stress me out wondering when the hell I was going to look like them and this began to really effect my motivation to workout. I was wondering what the heck I was doing wrong. I was seeing people lose weight really fast and look amazing. Before I too was able to lose about 20 lbs in less than a year. But this time around my body weight wasn't moving. I hated myself so much at this point that all I wanted was to be skinny. I felt that if I was training people I hated that I weighed so much that it was embarrassing to train someone because I felt that they would not want to take advise from a FAT girl. Also, I am a cheerleader and at competitions we need to wear crop top uniforms which I hated because I didn't want a whole audience to see my stomach pudge and and my tummy rolls.
The whole time I was wondering what the hell was wrong with me? why couldn't I lose weight!!!!!
Many excuses always ran through my head.. was it my thyroid?, was it because I went off birth control?, was it because I didn't eat a 100% clean diet?, was it because I wasn't doing enough cardio?, was I doing the wrong exercises?, was it due to being stressed?!?!?! as you can see many excuses constantly ran through my mind.
Now before you say 'uh hold up Nicole if you weight lift you gain weight.' I know that but my issue was that I was not seeing results. And if you didn't know that well its true muscle weighs more than fat. I am currently and got up to the weight of 185. That is seen as an unhealthy weight had me worried, stressed and made me hate myself. I figured that I would gain weight with lifting heavy weights but I thought that eventually I would start to lose weight faster because my fat was turning into muscle and I would look skinny. HA yeah right... I like to live in a fantasy land.
It took my a while but I began to realize that this mind set was getting me no where. I had many thoughts of giving up because it wouldn't even make a difference if I worked out or not. BUT I liked working out, I liked how it made me feel.
One day I was working out at the gym and saw a picture of me form months before and saw my legs and said my legs don't look like that anymore. So I took my first progress picture and it was literally of my knees.
Believe it or not but I weighed a lot less in the photo on the left! but I had made progress. From there I began to take different progression photos.
I began to take pictures of myself and notice small progression. I noticed that my ass was pretty much flat before and now there is a little round bump. I also noticed lines began appearing in my arms when I flexed, and I was able to lift heavier. This slowly began to boost my self confidence and quiet that nagging voice inside. However, that voice would come up and remind me that I was not a skinny girl that I wanted to be.
In addition, I didn't realize at first but reflecting back on the conversation I was being put down by family, friends and society. Which made me have negative thoughts about myself because I was never good enough. Some comments may had not been intentional to body shame me but it was things like 'if you do this exercise program I will be able to slim you down just in time for bikini season.' or 'I know someone who can help you with looking better.' Comments like that are usually supposed to motivate you. However when you think about it it means that your body is not right and it needs to be fixed.
However, as I slowly began to gain confidence and hear stories of peoples insecurities and imperfections and how they shut that noise out. It began to make me feel better about myself and that I was not some hideous beast among these perfect individuals. I began to realize that no one is perfect and that everyone has their own flaws and that they have amazing qualities about themselves in their own ways.
Recently, I began to feel better about myself and I took a picture of myself in a crop top.
It maybe showed an inch or two of my stomach nothing revealing at all.. However, It took me weeks to upload it. Why ? I was scared that people were going to judge me because my stomach was not a slim enough. It took me so long to upload it because everyday I had an internal debate with myself. It took me so long to quiet that negative voice inside my head. Finally, I look the leap and uploaded the photo. I really liked that photo I looked good and was proud of myself! but I was so scared. Once I uploaded it I got many amazing and loving comments that made me feel more confident.
I believe that on a regular basis people should be giving and receiving more compliments it makes everyone glow with happiness. However, this isn't my most like photo or anything but it doesn't effect me. It doesn't make me wonder if people thought I was fat. I just don't care anymore!!!! I don't care what people think about me, and I don't care what people say about me. Ya okay I have flaws so what? so does everyone else! At this point I had realized how much of a step forward I have taken in my journey of self confidence.
I really began to start looking at myself as a person and that I am not perfect! No one is! This journey is a slow journey but I am making progress and I am happy for that. I still working out hard because I always want to reach new PR's but I am not doing it anymore to look skinny I am doing it to be healthy and to live a healthy lifestyle.
This is my body and I will love it.
I know that I will not perfect in everyones eyes but that is ok! it is impossible to please everyone and I have learned to accept that.
I still am on my journey to a healthier lifestyle and I am proud of the progression I have made with my mindset and body and I will continue to be proud of who I am.
This is my Journey of self love.
I believe everyone needs to make their discovery of self love, you will become happier with yourself.
Anyone can find their self confidence. Mine was found in exercise yours could be in anything you feel passionate about!
